i have a lot of trouble with the words “abuse” and “survivor.” i have no trouble admitting that there were abusive behaviors all over the place, towards me, in x relationship. i have no trouble admitting that y’s relationship with x was abusive towards y.
however, i have so so so much trouble saying that x was abusive towards me, or that our relationship was abusive. partially this is because i know a lot of people who’ve gone through mindbogglingly terrible shit. because of that i worry that i’m appropriating the words “abuse” and “survivor” because i don’t have PTSD, because the abusive behavior was only (haha ‘only’) verbal, emotional, and occasionally physical.
like, i genuinely worry that if i call myself a survivor, or someone who has lived through abuse, rather than just through abusive behavior, i’m being appropriative and disrespecting the pain of a lot of my closest friends, and of so many other people i’ve never met. i do not want to do that. i respect and love them too much.
but at the same time i do want to do justice to my own pain. i do know that, years after x died, something is still wrong. i still have definite triggers that will kick in anxiety and panic attacks or put me in partial shut down. the other day i was in a barnes and noble and someone smelled like x and i wasn’t able to concentrate on anything but his location, if he was looking at me, etc. a week or so ago i got the song i was listening to when i heard that x died stuck in my head, and i was so on edge that i had to take an ativan, go to bed, and give up on writing a paper that night.
I DON’T FUCKING KNOW YOU GUYS. i want to do justice to my own past, i don’t want to disrespect survivors, i want to feel okay. i want y to know that she wasn’t the only person x was abusive to, but i don’t want to disrespect the fact that she took much of the abuse to save my skin. but at the same time, i know the way x treated me was fucked up, not all right, and still looms over me.
so obviously i don’t know. if you have any feedback i’d like it.
